Identity Crisis

I confuse myself sometimes when it comes to what I want out of running. Yesterday I had lunch with a former teammate of mine, Kara. While Kara is still a student at UNH, she is not running on the team this year. She however still runs (sort of) and, as I found out yesterday, wants to run a half marathon before she graduates in May. She then proceeded to tell me we were going to run the Great Bay 1/2 Marathon on April 5th. I liked the idea and agreed to do it. Hold the phone, you might be thinking, aren't you running like 9 miles a week right now? How do you expect to get in 1/2 marathon shape in 6 weeks? A good point. I guess I don't expect to get in good 1/2 marathon shape, but have managed to write up a little program that, if followed, I think could get me a 1/2 marathon PR. Kara and I also will be training together for this atleast 1 day a week which should encourage consistent training on my part.

The fact that I want to jump into a 1/2 marathon without much training isn't all that strange, in fact the enthusiasm required to make such a commitment can be seen as positive. The weird thing is is that same day, I was supposed to go out and run 3 miles. Three miles. What didn't I do? Run three miles. Why? I just didn't feel like running. I had been up late the previous night working on a presentation for a conference I'm going to next week and was exhausted. I also was cranky for reasons unknown but a bad mood rarely makes me want to run.

This "runner schizophrenia" has consistently been an issue for me and has consistently made me frustrated with myself. On one hand, I want to take on the world of running by challenging myself but on the other hand, I am incredibly lazy and view running almost indifferently. I would love to be one of those people who just LOVE running. One of those people who, if they don't run, their day is ruined. But I can never get to that point. Truth is, I really don't enjoy training all that much. In general, I do like the way I feel after I run in that I feel healthier but never do I just want to go on a run to run. The one thing I love is racing. I love to compete and be fast and love the atmosphere of road races. The only thing that sucks is that without training, I know I won't do well at races and, if I don't do well at races, I get super disappointed. I guess I just wish it was easier for me to get out and train and that I could find something that motivated me to do it. While trying to run fast again should do it, it doesn't. I've signed up for races thinking have something on the horizon will get me going and it doesn't. The only thing that kind of works is running races and seeing how slow I am. That and sometimes the fact that many of my clothes from even last year don't fit anymore and that the scale reads over 180 lbs when I step on it. These are usually temporary motivators though; I'll usually train solidly for a few weeks after a race or "weigh-in" and then get bored/tired/busy/stressed and take a week+ off. I just wish I could take the enthusiasm I have about challenging myself in races and apply it my training.

This weekend's the Inauguration Day 5K. I know it's going to be awful (current goal: break 26:00) but the proceeds benefit UNH Track and Field and there's free wings and beer afterwards so I predict the morning won't be so bad. My boyfriend, Zach, is running the race too and it'll be his first (but hopefully not his last) 5K which I think'll be fun. Atleast it will be for me. Hopefully it'll motivate me to train these next 6 weeks.